I don’t surrender to God because I’m strong, but because I’m weak…terribly weak…and petty…and selfish…
I tend to put off important things…things I’ve always wanted…things I think I could really do well…until I reach some invisible threshold of spirituality or something. I think, “I’m definitely going to get more serious someday.”
Maybe spending time every morning with Him will be easier when I’m more like Him…and maybe I’ll be more like Him tomorrow, when I’m older and wiser. Maybe I’ll be less petty or be more pure in my motives then too. Maybe I’ll choose God more consistently when life slows down enough for me to do things right. Maybe the future will give me more freedom…more opportunity…more passion for God.
I am deeply dependent on God. But here’s the thing. My dependence on God is not out of my spirituality, but out of self-awareness that I’ve picked up along my journey. I am aware of how capable I am, on even my best day, of petty and selfish displays of weakness, jealousy, and the cancers of envy and lust. I often struggle to try new things because I procrastinate. I doubt myself. And I skip time with God…sometimes because I doubt He wants me to spend time with Him, and sometimes because I forget to include Him in my day.
I generally don’t see people get better with age. I wish I were the exception. But mostly people become more exaggerated (sometimes more refined) versions of their younger selves. More stubborn. More close-minded. More selfish. More annoyed with small children and missed meal times. More driven by routine. More uncomfortable with change.
So if we wait, even until tomorrow, to choose a better path, what happens next?
The older I get, the more I see that I can’t sit around and wait for something, because when I wait, I guarantee that I’ll stay the same and eventually get worse.
I am deeply dependent on God. But that’s not because I am better than anyone. It’s because I am worse than I like to admit, and I have just enough self-awareness to admit that.
So in that weakness, I suppose I must acknowledge this: Unless God breathes life, unless he wakes me up and intervenes, I’ll keep repeating the same things. I must choose to wake up from my sleep and give Him my day.
And every time I do that, I am putting down my old self and finding God.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV